Well, I’ve solved the problem of “What do I do because I love to eat but I love being thin, too?” It’s actually quite simple. Instead of dieting (no fun), all you have to do is install a bypass for your belly. So you can eat what you want to, and then simply reach into your digestive tract and scoop it out again before it hits your stomach. Voila! I hereby propose the Dessert Stoma©.

Now, you may think that a hole in your throat would be unsightly, and granted, you’d be right. But think of all the lovely scarves out there! And don’t worry about that semi-inconvenient need to speak through a stoma vocoder. You’ll simply sound like you’re on autotune! Constantly. Keep in mind the greater good: a skinny little waist. Isn’t that worth a li’l neck hole that can easily be camoflaged in silk or pashmina?

The Dessert Stoma© comes complete with a little soft scoop–so you can reach in there and grab the goodies once they get past your mouth. A hand mirror is recommended (but not included) so you can actually see what you’re scooping. I’m told that there are plenty of throaty things that should just stay right where they are, thank you very much. So you’ll want to be careful that you only snag the food particles. Leave muscle and tissue intact. That’s some solid medical advice.

A little note on usage: until people get used to the sight of post-prandial scoopings, you may want to excuse yourself after eating . Now, I know that breastfeeding and stoma food removal are perfectly legal in most states, but society as a whole still needs to get a grip. So for the benefit of your public image, go ahead and take care of your skinny business in the restroom. After all, what good would it do to be both a waif and a social outcast? I shudder.

The waiting list is long, but simply sign up today to reserve your place in line! Operators are standing by. You’ll be stuffing yourself and scooping out the excess in no time. Vive la bonne vie!