No question about it: I am an avowed fan of Richard Kelly’s Donnie Darko. I could probably watch it monthly and still find new stuff in it to cherish. I appreciated Southland Tales in all its deep, dark messiness. But The Box? I found it too dumbed down to love.

At first, I wanted to believe that Cameron Diaz, never the thinking woman’s heroine, was responsible for The Box being painted in gigantic Mark Rothko strokes. (When in doubt, blame it on the former model!) In truth, it’s the screenplay that hits you over the head with its obviousness.

At one point, the antagonist actually lays out his evil mission in a direct exchange. There’s absolutely no hiding the exposition in this scene. And there’s no hinting, bait-and-switch, or outright confusion in the movie as a whole. Sure, Kelly leaves some loose threads, but they’re basically at the hem of his garment. So we don’t really care that they’re dragging on the ground. The characters pretty much spin around 360 for you, and they’re wearing your typical screechy 70’s patterns and (for Cameron) the most unflattering makeup on earth. No alien bunny suits in sight.

Kelly ups the bleak quotient with The Box, but not in an awesome-soundtrack, sad-sack Gyllenhaal kind of way. This time he’s messing with the fate of the universe–ostensibly bad news, folks–but it doesn’t play. Maybe my gripe is that I don’t particularly share the morals I’m “supposed” to. But c’mon: I would’ve hit that button so hard and so often my entire line of progeny would be wiped out for millennia. And you know what? It would be worth it. Try walking the same uncreative path for 8 hours a day, five years running and see what kind of alien demonology YOU wouldn’t be willing to embrace.

I’m not writing Richard Kelly off, yet. I hope he makes a fortune with this one, and I hope he uses the money to fund another completely-tripped-out story of an individual–rather than a poor makeup artist’s representative of the human race.

‘Til then, keep your boxes with your buttons to yourself–lest I unwittingly wipe out our planet in a misguided effort to bankroll my early retirement.