I will swear up and down to anyone who asks that I am  not a competitive person. Sure, I enter writing contests. But I won’t run foot races–I’d rather keep my exercise to myself.  Strictly as a relaxation. Or so I say.

I’m lying.

It’s happened more times than I can count: I read about an athlete, or a celebrity working out X number of miles, or Y number of hours a day, losing Z pounds, and I make a cement mental note to do the same. No matter that the professional athlete GETS PAID to perform at that level. Or that a celebrity is REQUIRED to keep in that kind of shape; despite the fact that no one else I read about is working full-time while writing a novel. If an Olympian does 1,000 crunches a day, by gum, I’m bumping myself up from my pathetic 750. Starting today.

True story.

If a runner passes me, or heaven forbid, a teenager dares to move the elliptical faster than my little legs can follow, I will feel bad about it all day long.  I even heard someone confess to weighing 80 pounds as a (very ill) adult, and immediately I went to “why the hell am I carrying around these extra twenty?” Eighty pounds sounds great! Now, all I have to do is stop eating for the rest of April, and spend every minute of my free time in the gym. No problemo!

Granted, I can stand to quit my dried fruit habit cold turkey. Today is day one.  See, I don’t like to eat in moderation, either.  I simply can’t munch on a small portion of  food I like.  I am not that person.  Never have been. I am the person who eats a full pound of dried fruit and floats on the natural sugar high for hours–depriving my body of other nutrition. Say, lunch and dinner. 

Moderation, subtlety, small quantities of stuff I like–those are physical impossibilities. I like to work out. So I work out for two hours every day. I like to eat dates, so I eat enough to jack up my blood sugar to levels that would make Hershey quake. When I’m writing, I want to write all the time, and feel badly when I do anything else–unless it’s working out.

I’ve heard “chill out,” and “take it easy” my whole life.

I’ll try.

But until I go in for major personality surgery– keep that dried fruit, and those teen speed queens away from me.