My quest for health and wellness grows more tiresome, day by day. The nutritional information I have access to–plentiful and sometimes reputable–promotes detoxes of every major organ, whole body cleanses, and diets specifically designed to starve parasites. I can’t help but remember how badly I wanted a tapeworm in college–that way I could eat and drink for two.

I wouldn’t mind eating only what I’m “supposed” to, but I just can’t figure out what the hell that means. Advice is conflicting. I eat sugar-free, gluten-free and (mostly) vegan. I work out 2 hours every day. Is that not good enough? Not according to too many sources.

Yes, we are a country of fat-asses. Yes, too, women’s sizing is deflated from what it was a decade ago. But is there a middle line between McDonald’s and anorexia? Less and less, it seems. Food is the new economics. We’re getting rid of the middle classes.

The “have’s” side of the thin wars is actually the “have less.” (Except for cup sizes. It took me 45 minutes to realize why the XS bikini bottoms were sold out at Victoria’s Secret, but the XS tops were all still there. Surgery. That’s why they sell them separately.) There’s a direct link between the ability to choose good food and income.

The willpower to starve yourself means that you have the luxury of being able to go for days on end without putting together a rational thought. Rob your body of calories and you’re also robbing your brain.

I know all this, and yet I still hold dear to the old adage “you can never be too rich or too skinny.” The question is how far am I willing to go for either? 

Cutting out fruit? That’s over the line.

The thought of someone taking away my dates and raisins and apples leaves me no reason to live–healthy, skinny or otherwise.