At first I thought I was crazy. Then I convinced myself it wasn’t really happening. Now I know it’s true. Weird, but true.

My body changes size radically from day to day.

I can vary by five pounds A DAY.  My waist often expands or contracts a full inch literally overnight. That’s a full clothing size difference! So when I say I have nothing to wear, I mean it. For my body, at that moment, may not fit anything in my closet.

It’s not like I’m sitting around bingeing or purging or starving or overdoing it on junk food, either. I eat only foods that are sugar-free, gluten-free and (mostly) vegan. So it’s not the half a cow I consumed with a bottle of wine and baked Alaska. I eat almost the same things every day. Yet my body changes seemingly at will.

At least I’ve solved one of the mysteries this week: yes, there really is such a thing as stairmaster butt. It’s muscle. I run less in the winter, and hit the elliptical hard. My jeans won’t close around my hips anymore. Since it’s unlikely that I will get over my fear of running on ice anytime soon, I’ll just have to go a size up until the spring.

The rest of it, though, still eludes me.

I would much prefer not to be such a shape-shifter. “Plateau” sounds dreamy, to me. I wish I could hit a number and stay there, rather than bouncing all over the place. But I guess my body has an artistic temperament, too. Neither my brain nor my waist like to be trapped in one place, one pair of jeans.

Now if only I could afford to buy two of everything, I’d be in business!