Rationally, I understand that spammers employ tantalizing subject lines to get people to click on their e-mails. No, I don’t think my in-box is really full of Angelina Jolie nude shots, tragic scenes of new earthquakes in China, or Rolex watches at 80% off. But for some reason, when these creeps tell me “You look stupid, cnelson,” I want to run to the gym and do a thousand crunches.

I would say that these subject lines are targeted to insecure females, but they seem to follow right after Viagra offers, so that can’t be accurate. The truth, I suppose is even worse: insults make for effective advertising.

Telling me I look stupid isn’t actually such a far cry from the ad tactic made popular by women’s magazines, which tell me I could look better, much better, if I buy more stuff. It’s a subtle difference. Not “you’re ugly,” but “you could be beautiful.” Cosmo doesn’t tell me I’m bad in bed, it merely offers suggestions for being a better slut.

My spam, however, tells me not only that I suck, but that I suck on the outside (inner suckitude can be covered up by makeup and hair products and by mastering the art of making your man feel like a porn star). It’s not very easy to insult my intelligence, but my appearance is a trickier area. Hello, neurosis! I want to lash back; click the damn link. Tell that spam who’s on top! Which is exactly the response they’re trying for.

It’s nasty psychological warfare, man. Every in-box for itself! Maybe I should form a support group for emotionally-thin-membraned folks such as myself who prefer their computers to say “I love you. You’re hot. You’re brilliant. And you don’t need to spend a dime on your beauty regime. Just upgrade to Windows XXXP for a 10% tithe of your salary.”

I’m in! Just show me where to click.