According to Chapter Nineteen of my small Wyoming town’s Municipal Code, “It is unlawful for any person to annoy, harrass, frighten, chase, tease, annoy, torment, goad or throw missiles at, or otherwise irritate in any manner whatsoever any city park animals.”

Ahm… ‘throw missles at’?

I suppose bows-and-arrows and slingshots and poison darts and rocket launchers are all prohibited, then. Durn it. I was seriously looking forward to taking potshots at overzealous squirrels. “Try and eat that nut, punk!”

Even more bizarre is the second “annoy.” Because one warning wasn’t enough?

This being the wild west, we have a handful of elk and buffalo in our city park. Fenced-in, of course, since any big game left free to roam might chomp a missle right out of any juvenile delinquent’s shaking mitts. Leaving a kid with bloody stumps and the elk with a bellyache. Which would be annoying.

How sad that we have to write laws to say “caged animals are defenseless.” I know there’s not a ton of excitement in this part of the country, but when goading the buffalo is the highlight of your night, I feel compelled to recommend Netflix. Or good old-fashioned hallucinogens.

Play fair, folks: don’t bother anything trapped behind a fence. Eat your mushrooms in the park if you want, but leave the furry creatures be.