June 19th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

This winter I adhered to a strictly vegan diet. It lasted six months. And then I got tired. Bone tired. Weary. I thought it must be my diet . My solution: eat more meat and dairy.

Over the next two months, I had a couple buffalo burgers. I ate a chicken dish. A few cans of tuna, two tilapia filets. And, the day after my wedding, a slab of sausage at brunch.

Plus–ahem–several servings of cheese.

And in those six weeks, I grew out of my vegan-sized clothing.

It was a weird weight gain: settling in odd places on my body. I looked thicker. My muscles felt chunky. I felt like a linebacker (which, at exactly 60 inches, isn’t such an endearing image.) So I stopped eating meat and dairy again. Two weeks later, everything fits. Which is particularly odd, since now I’m snacking my face off while I’m writing!

Now, I’m still not going to rule out hormone-free meat forever. To get those Omega-3’s, I may very well decide to indulge once or twice a month. But my recent experience has pushed me solidly into the casein-free camp.

I can’t believe what a difference a couple dairy-free weeks made!

From here on, I’m going to have to be extra careful to eat enough protein at every meal. That doesn’t mean veggie burgers, it means tempeh. Raw tofu. Beans. For iron, it means spinach instead of mixed greens. I’m lucky that I like soy products. Lucky, too, that I am in tune with my body enough to know when it’s reacting badly to certain foods. For whatever reason: allergy or otherwise, dairy just doesn’t work for me.

Now if only I could get the fatty cheesy yummy signals to shut off in my brain….

June 11th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

The wedding day came off without a hitch (well… without any major incidents). You can tell it was successful by our overjoyed expressions:

wedding-money-shot

Thanks to everyone who came all this way to make our celebration so wonderful.

June 4th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

If there was a doubt that The Man is a suitable lifetime mate for yours truly, I have photographic evidence that should put any remaining fears to rest:

lord-and-lady

The Lord and Lady will be legally wed on 6/6/9. Hopefully the ground cover will be a bit less snowy…so the ice king and queen can look a bit less frigid!

June 2nd, 2009 by Chris Nelson

Five days, if you count today and the wedding day. Three, if you leave off the “crusts.” If I said I wasn’t nervous, I’d be lying. Honestly, though, I’m not worried that I’m doing the right thing. I mean, seriously– how could I NOT spend my life with the happy flower man and the pooch with glowing, alien eyes:

the-man-and-houdini

Now I get to throw my useless nervous energy into the weather. The prediction for Saturday is rain and 50-something degrees. Fabulous. Let’s just hope those weather men went to “we’re pulling your leg” school.

It feels like a big step. It IS a big step. I just hope I’ll be warm enough to take it in my sandals!

May 27th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

My house was built in the 60’s. We tiled the bathroom and kitchen with vintage British tile from, yes you guessed it. Now meet the latest addition to the retro family:

  furniture_resized

As you can see, furniture makers were producing some pretty sweet designs with barrels and Naugahyde back in the Summer of Love.

In addition to cracking me up whenever I walk into the room, I have to say that my house is utterly transformed by the addition of…seating. We didn’t have a single chair in the house, before. Diner booths, we have. But being able to SIT and TALK without feeling like we’re supposed to drop a quarter in the juke box–now that’s just so civilized!

Give me a week and the couch’ll turn into yet another place to store discarded clothing. But for now, I’m all about the conversation nook. Even if the conversation is all about how ridiculous the furniture is.

May 21st, 2009 by Chris Nelson

This afternoon, while on my daily, draining five-mile run, I happened upon an iconic  fantasy: a young woman washing her car in a white tank top. The teenage boy in me got excited. I flashed to the movie Wild Things.

Then she turned around.

This woman looked nothing like Denise Richards! Not only was there a dearth of suds, there was no female friend to help her lather up in just the right places. Worse: she simply didn’t have the goods. Until today, I couldn’t imagine a universe in which ANY female wouldn’t be worth a second glance in a wet, white tank top.

Friends, that universe is Sheridan, WY.

Naturally, this is far from my first experience with a movie/real life disconnect. For starters, my senior prom was no final scene in Sixteen Candles. Nobody has ever played a boom box outside my window like Lloyd Dobler. And I’m still waiting for some hot Dracula to bite me on the neck and turn me into a sexy whore of a vampiress. Truly, I am. But today’s car wash was disappointing on a whole other level. The fantasy seemed so lifelike.

Now I’m going to be forced to re-examine even my seemingly “realistic” fantasies. Such as: making the audience fall in love with me one karaoke evening. Or being able to afford a maid. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know vampires don’t exist. But hot chicks with hoses and sponges? Is that really too much to ask?

…don’t answer that!

May 20th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

Apparently, some drivers in Sheridan, WY can’t distinguish between “dry road” and “wet cement.”

car-in-cement

So that’s what those BRIGHT ORANGE SAFETY CONES are for!

car-in-cement-2

Just imagine the expression of the road crew members who have to jackhammer her out….

Is there a dumbass award for soccer moms? (Or is the white mini van enough of a gimme?)

Thanks to Mark Taylor for the photos.

May 19th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

Well, now I’ve seen everything:

 buffalo-hunt-resized

“Winner gets meat, hide and head.” Wow. Just–wow.

May 18th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

Well, it looks like Wilbur has had his revenge! If you buy into the fear machine, “the other white meat” is poised to eradicate humanity from the globe.

swine-exhibits

Personally, I find it strange that the State Department has been trying to keep Americans above the border, issuing travel restrictions, instilling fears about the drug trade and now–suddenly– there’s a major health threat coming from Mexico.

Hmm.

Conspiracies can be quite fun when theyevolve to the level of pandemic! At least this one isn’t killing people at the rate of the CIA’s AIDS. Swine flu is fairly minor, all things considered. But to make up for its lack of actual toxicity, we have plenty of soundbites warning of the disease’s dire return this fall–ie, the time most Americans would want to go back down to Mexico–once the summer heatwave burns off.

As you can see, rural Wyoming isn’t terribly concerned about the source of the sickness. The man and I visited the Johnson County fairgrounds yesterday and discovered their exhibit hall–hilariously behind the times.

May 14th, 2009 by Chris Nelson

I don’t sleep well. More specifically, I wake up a lot in the middle of the night. Yesterday, I casually mentioned my sleep “issues” to a friend. The context was caffeine. In my mind, the conversation went something like this:

Me: I quit caffeine for awhile. (Shudders.) I don’t sleep well. I need it to wake up.

Friend: I needed it, too. Once.

Me: Well, good for you! I really need it.

Friend: No, you don’t. Quit now, you caffeine junkie! Do you know how much money you could save without those two cups of needless coffee each morning??

OK, that’s not how it went down at all. In fact, I think she just nodded sympathetically. I supplied the subtext-as-dialogue in my own mind. Because I feel guilty about consuming just about anything, lately.

There’s something about parsing down my diet–and my lifestyle in general–that greatly appeals to me. If someone tells me they can fit their entire apartment into the backseat of a VW bug, I’m jealous. I don’t think “Wow, no furniture? And you’re forty years old?” I go straight to “How cool, you can move in the middle of the night!” And then I go and buy myself another pair of jeans I will probably not fit into by next next week.

I don’t know if it’s the global economy, several stalled attempts to pay off credit cards, my desire to fit into tiny sizes, or, a combination of all three. But I like the shrinking process. Shrink my debt, my needs. If I could hook myself up to an IV and skip eating entirely, by gum, I’d do it. Maybe I could get a virtual yard–then I could save time (watching my husband) mow. Or a wig that never needs combing. Or a colostomy bag….

By the way, the recommendation I really did receive for poor sleep was to take a shower with alternating hot/cold bursts. It’s supposed to be rather effective, actually. I believe it. Sounds like torture. Freezing cold water? The body processes any sleep it gets as a fabulous alternative!